European Think Tank Fills Useless Bollocks Position

THE Institute of International and European Affairs (IIEA) has today confirmed it has filled a previously advertised position for a useless bollocks with former Irish Taoiseach, Brian Cowen.

Funded by big business, including AIB, Bank of Ireland, building giant CRH, Denis O’Brien’s Digicel, Google and Goldman Sachs, the non-profit policy research body said it was delighted to also announce that John Bruton would also be joining Mr. Cowen on the board, filling the last remaining ‘big eejit position’.

“We spent several months interviewing a range of useless cunts and we are happy to announce they have been filled by two former Irish leaders, Brian Cowen and John Bruton,” a spokesperson for the IIEA confirmed, “both men are already on several other boards, and have a track record of coasting through their career, so they are perfect for this kind of job; basically we just pay them to sit there”.

Since leaving office in 2011, Mr. Cowen has been appointed to the board of the privately owned Beacon Hospital as a non-executive director by its majority shareholder, Denis O’Brien, while also being appointed to the board of service station chain Topaz in 2014, also owned by O’Brien, before the billionaire sold Topaz in December 2015, with Cowen resigning shortly afterwards.

“A man can’t live off a measly €150k per year pension alone, ya know”, Mr. Cowen explained to WWN, “luckily I have an old friend looking out for me, otherwise I was nearly going to cancel my K-Club membership”.

Mr. Cowen also set up a useless bollocks consultancy service in 2013, aptly called Cowen’s Scratch My Back And I’ll Scratch Yours Consultancy Ltd, based in his native Offaly.