Ireland To Advise Australia On How To Sweep Clerical Abuse Under The Carpet

AN ongoing inquiry into the instances of abuse of children has the Australian public horrified by how prevalent the routine and habitual abuse was in several Catholic orders.

Following the conclusion of the inquiry, considerable pressure from the public could see the Australian government forced to act and take punitive action against the Catholic church. This worrying outcome has prompted the Irish government to offer its services, in an effort to help Australia limit exposure to the vulnerable church and sweep it all under the carpet.

“We can’t take credit, it’s mostly previous governments, but trust us, people will be packing out masses like this horrifying shit never happened,” explained a government spokesman.

Drawing on their vast experience in covering over scandals, apologising for abuse and protecting the Catholic Church, successive governments will offer all files and records which could show Australia the various ways in which it can ensure justice for victims is not achieved.

“You started an inquiry, there was your first mistake. But, look, we’re not here to point the finger, we’re here to help,” explained officials representing the Department of Education in Ireland, which said it would share with Australia how the Minister for Education at the time Michael Woods limited the Church’s liability in compensation to victims to just €138 million, despite eventual costs reaching over €1.3 billion.

The government also offered example tapes of countless Dáil sittings in which various politicians raged against the abuse in an effort to make it appear that they would reign down on the abusers with the full force of the law.

“Watch those tapes, this will help you practice your ‘we’re terribly sorry’ and ‘never again’ routines. Then after that you’ve just got to sit back and watch people forget about it all. Your lot over there aren’t fans of protesting, are they? Because if they are, we can’t help you with that, we don’t know how to deal with that stuff,” added a government spokesperson.

Elsewhere, the Irish Catholic Church expressed envy at the size of Australia, lamenting how Ireland’s small size made it less than ideal for relocating offending priests.