How To Cope With Watching Irish TV Again If Illegal Downloading Is Cut Off


WITH news reaching Ireland of a concerted effort by Hollywood production companies through the courts to have the internet of customers of Irish internet carriers suspended if they are found to be illegally downloading movies and TV shows, the Irish public faces the disturbing threat of being forced to watch Irish TV again.

Panic has already been widespread, with an uptake in a rush to download the complete TV and film output from places such as America, Britain, Scandinavia, Australia, Canada, France, South Korea and Italy before their broadband is disconnected forever.

“I can just watch my Sopranos DVD boxset over and over again for the rest of my life, yeah that’s what I’ll do,” one avid watcher of non-Irish TV told WWN.

Amateur downloaders will tell you that in the age of Netflix, there is little need to continue downloading. However, ignorant bastards such as these have no working knowledge of HBO’s reluctance to allow their shows on the Netflix platform, highlighting how such a casual attitude could unwittingly leave you strapped in for a Winning Streak marathon with nowhere else to run.

WWN is on hand to help our readers cope with making a return to Irish TV programmes:

1) Lower your expectations. Now lower them again significantly

The entire RTÉ budget for the year wouldn’t cover the cost of 5 minutes of Game of Thrones, so now is the time to train your brain to accept that the gun in the hand of that Fair City actor is actually a gun and not a bright neon green Supersoaker.

2) What do you mean you don’t want to watch The Snapper once a week?

Recent movie releases will not find their way to Irish television channels until sometime in the 22nd century, so you will have to quickly develop an unnatural desire to watch the 15-20 enjoyable Irish movies on repeat until the day you die.

3) It’s not all bad

There is actually some really solid shows across Ireland’s four main TV channels, meaning if you’re the glass half full type of person you can look forward to as much as 12 hours of watchable TV over the course of the year.

4) Keep your eyes open using matchsticks and put your head into a restraint so you can’t look away from the direction of the TV

Repeat after us ‘Mrs. Brown’s Boys is hilarious’. Once you’ve cried out all of your tears (this process usually takes 9 agonising days) you’re all set to begin laughing in a manic manner which worries and disturbs all those closest to you.

5) Accept that joy is something you will never feel again

This is the big one folks, that 12 minute segment on Nationwide about a cow whose ‘moo’ sounded a bit like a ‘mow’ sound is no more than you deserve.