Rural Drug Dealer Thinks He’s Tony Fucking Montana Or Something

A COUNTY Tipperary man thinks he’s Tony fucking Montana or something after selling a bar of weed in four weeks, sources close to the man revealed today.

Aidan Lyons, (19), who got the nine ounces of contraband ‘on tic’, reportedly told everyone how much of a big player he is now, claiming he may soon be ‘known to Gardai’ if he’s lucky.

“If I keep this up I might make the Sunday World and even get a proper nickname like The Beast,” Lyons told WWN, in a townie accent he picked up since starting to deal last month, “I’m after banging out nearly two ounces a week in three gram bags. At this rate, I’ll be driving a 5 series in no time,” adding, “The world is mine”.

However, friends have since pointed out that Lyons has retrieved very little money from his sales, as he gave half of it away on the book to people he doesn’t really know or trust.

“Poor auld Aido has lost the run of himself,” friend Patrick Greene explains, “Everyone suddenly became his friend when he got the bar of weed. Now they’re not even answering their phones when he’s ringing, which could be dangerous for him as he owes the real dealer two grand”.

Lyons, who sold 10 panadols for 300 euro to a lad in school once, claims he will get the money back ‘no matter what’, by using intimidation tactics he learned on the mean streets of Kilusty, the tiny village he grew up in.

“Yeah, there’s a few lads not answering their phones, so I’ve threatened them with knocking on their parents door if they don’t text back,” the absolute hard man concluded.

UPDATE: Aidan has since broken two of his legs after ‘falling down the stairs’, and now has an irrational fear of being outside.