Irish Public The Real Losers In Leaders Debate

ALL polls conducted in the aftermath of last night’s very first Leaders’ Shouting Match have unanimously named the Irish public as the real losers in the points scoring debate.

Early exchanges between party leaders Joan Burton, Enda Kenny, Gerry Adams and Micheál Martin were something close to resembling a civil debate, before devolving into a series of grunts, shouts, and finger waving.

“Across all the polls, it’s pretty clear the public were the losers. This leaders’ debate actually featured 7450% more shouting than debating, I’m no expert, but that’s a lot of percent and this is only the first debate of three. The Irish people lose out big time,” explained head of polling agency Poll Vaults, Cian Mulligan.

All parties had potentially valid points on various issues affecting the country such as poverty, housing, the economy and justice, however, none of the leaders took their chance to make valid points, instead favouring a shouting method perfected by people who love talking over loud noises like hair dryers and hoovers.

Phrases like ‘no,no,no’, ‘that’s a lie’,’that’s false’,’shut up’,’no I won’t’,’yes, you will’ and ‘I know you are but what am I’ featured heavily in the debate and have left the Irish public with the sneaking suspicion that all major parties are as bad as each other.

“I had the same feeling as when I voted in the 1934 local elections, and to be honest, nothing has changed since then, it’s all terribly depressing when you get to thinking about it,” shared one impossibly old man we encountered on the streets today.

TV3, the host of the shouting match, have come under criticism from residents in the Ballymount area, as hundreds complained of the loud inaudible moaning, droning, complaining and screeching that was coming from the studio, which amounted to heinous noise pollution.