WITH the start of the new Premier League season just days away Sky Sports have proclaimed to much fanfare that this season is set to be the most exciting, entertaining and compelling season of football in history. Just like the previous 23 seasons.
Incredibly, according to Sky Sports, this will be the 24th season in a row in which the coming season’s action will undoubtedly top everything that has gone before it provided fans have already forgotten how shit the previous season was.
Armed with a 1,242 inch touch screen in the Sky Sports studio Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher poured over endless stats which even the most cynical of fans couldn’t help but be impressed by.
“Last year we had the most throw ins between the 5th and 7th minutes than ever before, there’s no reason why this trend won’t continue into this season, which has to make it the best season ever,” Neville explained while making sweeping motions across the screen with his hands while fireworks exploded in the background.
Jamie Carragher’s microphone mysteriously cut out when he cast doubt over the fortunes of English teams in the Champions League as they are now being eclipsed by teams from France’s Ligue 1.
47 minutes of intense throw in technique analysis was then followed by housewives’ favourite Jamie Redknapp tasked with pressing a big red button. After several minutes of confusion, Redknapp finally figured it out, pressing the button to reveal giant text on the screen which said “Honestly, better than the Champions League, and we’re not just saying that because BT have the rights to it now”.
Also mentioned were the number of new rules introduced for the season ahead which will be forgotten in a month’s time as the Premier League shows no appetite for enforcing them on belligerent players.
Already this season is proving to be incredible for fans as weather forecasts suggest it will have 2% less rain than last year’s opening day.