“Look At How Adorable My Baby Is. I Said Fucking Look Or I’ll Cut You,” Says New Mom

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Gash has learned of a new mother bringing a reign of terror to her local community following the birth of her first child.

Weighing in at 8lbs 2oz Gráinne Dowling is the most adorable baby the world has ever seen and you should fucking acknowledge that fact or suffer the violent consequences, according to her mother Leanne.

Neighbours in the Lucan area of Dublin began reporting several disturbing instances to gardaí which saw Leanne go door-to-door demanding her neighbours agree that her baby, one of thousands in the surrounding locality, is the greatest baby ever to have graced the plane of human existence.

“She threatened to feed my balls to me when I said ‘oh, she’s lovely yeah'”, explained neighbour Robbie Varley, “according to Leanne I could have been more enthusiastic about the whole thing, but in fairness it was 5am on a Sunday and she was shouting up to my bedroom from the street”.

Robbie’s is just one of several firsthand accounts in which Leanne implored locals to “look at how adorable my baby is. I said fucking look or I’ll cut you”.

“It’s an alright looking baby if I’m being honest,” explained local woman Tara Simmons, a 55-year-old who, according to herself, had previously given birth to three children who were equally if not more adorable than Gráinne.

Tara was forced at knife-point by Leanne to smile and coo at the newborn even going as far as to say “well if she isn’t the cutest thing I’ve ever seen” despite the reality being slightly different.

“The lads down the road call the baby turnip head. I’m just curious as to where Leanne gets the time to compare her young one to all the others in the world to then go on and claim she has the best,” added Tara.

Leanne also glued photos of her child to the foreheads of locals in an attempt to provide everyone with enough evidence of her child’s cuteness. She has also complained to Facebook after she was hindered in her attempt to upload 4.7 million photos of her child in one go.

Tensions in the area will rise ahead of this weekend as the annual ‘cutest baby’ contest is set to take place, but organisers seem confident the event will pass off without incident.

“Well, we’ve actually gone and ahead and confirmed Gráinne will win the cutest baby award,” said organiser Paul O’Neill while strapped to a chair in the basement of an abandoned factory.

Leanne was later arrested for clambering onto the set of RTÉ Six One news demanding her baby be seen by the entire country.

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