Ebola: How It Will Kill You, And When

With the fearsome Ebola virus spreading terror across the globe for the first time in ages, WWN has been given the grim task of letting people know you have literally days to make amends with your God before you and everyone you know die while roaring for mercy.

The recent resurgence of Ebola, a highly contagious illness with a flawless mortality rate, has sparked fresh certainty that western civilization is on the brink of a catastrophic pandemic which will decimate the population of the planet. In fact, you may not even make it long enough to finish this article.

Transmitted by sight, the Ebola virus works in a similar manner to no other disease. Scientists are at a loss as to what causes the virus, but are certain that the human race is doomed. Having killed 600 people in West Africa in recent months, it is only a matter of time before it begins to effect an English-speaking nation.

Starting off as a tingling, itchy sensation in the scalp before mutating into a mild tiredness, Ebola is often mistaken for things you might suffer after hearing people talk about them. The disease then escalates rapidly, so if you find yourself right this minute either with a slightly itchy head or yawning just a little, it’s probably too late for you. Do your loved ones a favour and seal yourself up in a room, making certain to duct-tape up the windows and doors. Stay in this room until dead, which will take until approximately the end of this sentence. Are you still here?

During the upcoming Ebola apocalypse, it is important to stay as informed as possible. Make no attempt to switch off any 24 hour rolling news stations, and only venture out to buy essentials such as water and Tabloid newspapers.

It was good while it lasted. Thanks for reading WWN down through the years.