The Secret Minister – At The Dark End Of The Street…

Gay marriage? Whistleblowers? Mortgage forgiveness? Health reform? Other problems Irish society probably has? The list of causes I can exploit for my own reasonable political gain are near endless.

An Taoiseach knows battles must be picked, ministers must be backed and on occasion you must say as little as possible of any substance to ensure you can’t be accused of holding any discernible position.

U.S. politicians would of course love to be honest, but then – who would vote for us? What we are left with is saying something that is easily agreed with and most importantly easily forgotten. The last thing you want is the media pointing out positions you held on matters that come back to haunt you (see: my outspoken views on ‘the terrorist Nelson Mandela’ written in a student publication in 1987).

However, if I picked the right cause and I pretended to care I could turn myself into real future Minister For Finance material (I would never dream of becoming Taoiseach as we have the greatest of Taoiseachs at this very moment).

The choice I am faced it now is difficult: back gay marriage for cheap political points or criticise the Minister for Justice (a dear friend of mine) due to the fact he cares little about Garda corruption and the Irish public.

I can’t go off message and criticise a fellow Government minister so using my powers of deduction I must now back gay marriage.

You can’t hold disingenuous opinions half heartedly, you must become well versed in the subject matter. I would have to stay on top of the lingo; ‘gaymen’ this ‘lesbo’ that, it would take all my political prowess to extract capital from the situation. I would have to become fluent in ‘homosexual’.

I’ve given it much thought and in the coming weeks I will back gay marriage and make it my ‘passion project’. And anyway, Aine has always thought our eldest, Eoghan, was a bit, you know, so we could use that to our advantage.

Dearbhla, my assistant, had arranged a meeting with a homosexual male man so I could better understand what they ‘go through’, being repressed, beaten and all that stuff. I was to meet him on Infirmary Road, by Phoenix Park at 7pm.

I arrived early and decided to venture into the park to pass the time. I thought I may get a chance to admire the beauty of the park lands, but before getting no further than 20 yards in I heard the code word we had agreed upon. ‘Minister, Minister’ I heard a voice call out from the nearby bushes.

The homosexual was not dressed as I expected, there was a complete lack of flamboyancy and showmanship. I was, quite frankly, disappointed.

I uttered what I now realise was a poorly thought out phrase: “Teach me all I need to know about homosexuals”, I was then unceremoniously pinned to the ground by a member of An Garda Siochana for ‘soliciting prostitution’.

Despite accidentally encountering an undercover Garda in a prostitution sting as he whispered ‘Mister Mister’ from a bush, I am more determined than ever to advance gay rights as judging by how quickly I got my arrest quashed I am most definitely backing the right cause.