AIB Chiefs Probably Masturbating To List Of Mortgage Arrears In A Room Somewhere, Warns Watchdog

A GOVERNMENT watchdog has warned today that AIB chiefs are probably masturbating over a large list of mortgage arrears in a specially dedicated room somewhere in the banks headquarters in Dublin.

The statement came following news earlier that the bank will not have to repay its €3bn bailout to the Irish taxpayer.

“They are probably doing it as we speak, and laughing.” said a spokesman for the watchdog group. “I bet there are thousands of really important documents being used for their own personal gratification right now.”

The Allied Irish Bank did not comment on the findings today, but did issue a statement regarding its refusal to pay back the money owed to the state: “A bailout is not a loan. It’s a gift to a friend in trouble.

“In this case it was a gift from four million friends at 750 euros a pop. Cheers for that”

It was later confirmed by a staff member that four key players in the bank were currently masturbating to home owner debt, and are expected to do so all day.

The source inside AIB head quarters suspects the wankathon to last right through the week, depending on how many mortgage arrears they can go through in a day.

“I should have a good idea by the end of the day how long they will take.” said the anonymous  worker. “I haven’t seen this kind of craic now since the bailout in ’08.”

“Rumour had it they spent a full month in that room.” he added.