THE Conservative leadership of Great Britain has warned its citizens to take all necessary precautions ahead of today’s potentially lethal 40º temperatures, adding that ‘even we’re not having our taxpayer-funded booze-up outside’. The statements followed an emergency COBRA meeting begrudgingly attended by outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who took time out of his busy schedule… Read more »
DESPITE NOT looking to project a cocky air, local man Keith Gaskill is fairly confident he’d be fucked clean out of the Love Island by security guards, mere minutes after entering the villa. “I’m just fully open about having one of those personalities, I’d be saying ‘check out this cunt’ but like as a term… Read more »
THE INSECT world is a buzz with the news that a rare Mammy longlegs has been spotted in the wild for the first time in 32 years, WWN can report. A group of Irish entomologists, who have made it their life’s work are celebrating after successfully tracking down the reclusive, presumed extinct species – locating… Read more »
AFTER BEING confronted with an unfolding nascent breaking news story, local man Eoin Breeland has told friends he can’t volunteer an opinion until he has checked with Twitter first. “I appreciate you’ve given me the entire background relating to the news and that, the full context but I’m just going to shut my fucking mouth… Read more »
THE government are considering drafting in the army to help Mr. Whippy vans distribute 99s over the next few days, as demand for milky refreshment soars among Irish people struggling to cope with the current heatwave. As fears grow that there may not be enough Screwballs to go around, additional heat-fighting advice has been issued… Read more »
THE FALLOUT from the Uber leaks which detailed a trail of underhanded lobbying and potential law breaking has left local aspiring entrepreneur and serial LinkedIn status updater Devin O’Loughlan shook to his very core. “That’s really out of character for the sort of market disruptors I’ve come to know and love,” remarked the ambitious and… Read more »
HUNDREDS of thousands of people will definitely die in the most horrific circumstances imaginable today as temperatures reach an insane 32 degrees, with the possibility of the entire island melting into the boiling sea, Met Éireann forecasts. Babies in prams will spontaneously burst into flames while household pets will explode into steamy pieces of flesh… Read more »
THERE were disappointed faces among some senior western military and intelligence figures as the Sri Lankan people secured the resignation of president Gotabya Rajapaksa in such a swift fashion that western nations weren’t able to put a puppet regime in place. “We’re just asking that next time, you call us in advance so we can… Read more »
JUST AS Rishi Sunak was plotting a hometown celebration in New York to ring in his crowning a Tory leader and next British PM, a last minute front runner has emerged in the shape of board game baron and Monopoly man, Rich Uncle Pennybags. “Purely comparing between Rishi and Pennybags, it’s clear Pennybags edges it… Read more »
