Tory Party Advised To Move Piss-Ups Indoors Due To Soaring Temperatures

THE Conservative leadership of Great Britain has warned its citizens to take all necessary precautions ahead of today’s potentially lethal 40º temperatures, adding that ‘even we’re not having our taxpayer-funded booze-up outside’. The statements followed an emergency COBRA meeting begrudgingly attended by outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who took time out of his busy schedule… Read more »

Not Enough 99s To Battle Soaring Temperatures, Government Fears

THE government are considering drafting in the army to help Mr. Whippy vans distribute 99s over the next few days, as demand for milky refreshment soars among Irish people struggling to cope with the current heatwave. As fears grow that there may not be enough Screwballs to go around, additional heat-fighting advice has been issued… Read more »

Uber Joins Facebook, Hugo Boss & Lockheed Martin In List Of Companies Local Man Expected More Of

THE FALLOUT from the Uber leaks which detailed a trail of underhanded lobbying and potential law breaking has left local aspiring entrepreneur and serial LinkedIn status updater Devin O’Loughlan shook to his very core. “That’s really out of character for the sort of market disruptors I’ve come to know and love,” remarked the ambitious and… Read more »

Children To Burst Into Flames, Beaches Turn To Glass, Exploding Animals; Your Latest Heat Warnings

HUNDREDS of thousands of people will definitely die in the most horrific circumstances imaginable today as temperatures reach an insane 32 degrees, with the possibility of the entire island melting into the boiling sea, Met Éireann forecasts. Babies in prams will spontaneously burst into flames while household pets will explode into steamy pieces of flesh… Read more »