Muhammad Wasn’t Very Photogenic, Researchers Discover Reasoning Behind Prophet’s Image Phobia

RESEARCHERS tasked with uncovering the rationale behind some of history’s most puzzling religious dictats have released a trove of new insights, thanks to the emergence of AI – and an apparent disregard for personal safety, WWN reports.

Decoding thousands of ancient texts, scrolls, and various versions of the Bible, Quran, Kaballah, and other religious manuscripts, the anonymous research team who wish to remain anonymous has published fascinating findings on the true motivations of various prophets and holy figures.

“Jesus was stung by a brutal student loan during his so-called ‘lost years’ studying in the Far East, and that’s why he absolutely lost the rag when he saw bankers and money changers in the temples,” reads one of the group’s carefully worded reports.

Another surprising revelation surrounds the Prophet Muhammad: “He apparently had a serious image complex. According to recently unearthed texts, he refused to appear in family portraits, hated the sound of his own voice, and actively avoided echoey caves when praying. He had a great personality though – for many, that was enough. If only he knew how literally people would take everything he said, he might have opened up a bit.”

Buddha, meanwhile, was reported to be at the opposite end of the self-image spectrum: “He absolutely adored his belly. ‘Just look at it! Now carve it in stone and stick it in your garden!’ he told followers.”

As for the famously draconian ‘thou shalt not kill’ commandment, researchers believe it may not have come from a divine stone tablet after all.

“Moses, high as a kite on magic mushrooms, descended Mount Sinai with two completely blank slabs and eyes like saucers,” reads a translated scroll. “He kept banging on about these ten rules and to shut him up, we all just went along with it. Next thing you know, bam – organised religion.”

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