The 26 Promises New Taoiseach Simon Harris Made In The Dáil Last Night


IN HIS MAIDEN speech as newly installed leader of the country, Taoiseach Simon Harris laid out his vision for his government with all the ‘new energy’ of a sloth competing in a marathon. The speech contained 26 promises which WWN has collected for readers to assess below:

1) By way of his first pledge, Harris said he’d give everyone in the Dáil no homework tonight.

2) Showing he’s serious on housing, Harris promised to give away one raffle ticket to a GAA ‘Win a house’ competition to someone on the housing list.

3) “If everyone else is doing a shot in the Dáil bar then yeah, baby Guinness maybe, I retch at the smell of tequila so I’m not touching that,” Harris promised.

4) Backing up his promise that Fine Gael are the party of ‘law and order’, Harris promised his after-party goodie bag would include a DVD boxset of Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

5) Harris promised to promote a number of Fine Gael TDs who raced out of the traps to lick his hole the second Varadkar announced his resignation.

6) Not quite a promise but Harris said he’d consider re-introducing a ban on evictions if he gets 200,000 new TikTok followers by the end of the day.

7) Harris promised Michael Healy Rae he could sit in the Taoiseach’s chair for one whole hour and provide him with a year’s supply of flat caps if he could go 4 seconds without saying ‘them lot up in Dublin’.

8) Harris promised that there will be new farming subsidies “so certain farmers can continue to suckle on the milky breast of state welfare while never being disparaged the way a single mother would be”.

9) “I warmly accept deputy Richmond’s invite, and promise to text him about that game of racquetball” – an unconvincing Harris said as he made a promise to Neale Richmond, who had interrupted the new Taoiseach mid-speech, to remind him he’d asked him at the recent ardfheis about a game.

10) Harris confirmed the installation of a Red Bull vending machine so everyone in Fine Gael could keep their new energy levels up.

11) “I am aware of the plight and struggles of young people, and while I promise nothing concrete on that front I do promise to take up Leo’s mantle of saying some mad shit that makes for some good memes”.

12) Harris promised to be give rural independents official credit in future when Fine Gael copy and paste their scapegoating of refugees into official government statements and policy.

13) “I promise, like my predecessors not to bring forward the Public Sector Standards Bill which has been sitting there since 2015, as I’m sure all Irish politicians at a local and national level will agree a reform of ethics law that would give greater investigative power to SIPO is a terrifying prospect,” Harris said.

14) Fredo bars price would be reduced and permanently frozen at 20 cent.

15) Accused by Sinn Féin of only being capable of generating soundbites and empty promises, Harris doubled down on his promise to get Netflix to release season 5 of Stranger Things in Ireland next week.

16) Pledged to tackle climate change as it is the greatest threat to humanity.

17) Vowed to help farmers avoid any bits of climate change measures they didn’t like.

18) “Yeah, totally keep in touch. My whatsapp can go a bit weird sometimes so that’ll be why I might not respond to you,” Harris promised Leo Varadkar.

19-26) Harris, in some sort of flow state and feeling the groove of his speech, then entered a rapid fire round of promises: “Oh and yeah, I’ll fix all the usual stuff; housing, health, immortality for all. Whatever other problems the party I am a member of caused. NEW ENERGY!”