A DUBLIN-based seagull has pledged to stop dive-bombing pedestrians for snacks and treats in a bid to be ‘beach body ready’ for the summer.
“You never know when a body is going to wash up on the beach, so you don’t want to ruin your appetite on old chips ahead of that,” explained the gull, in an exclusive interview with WWN.
“And besides that, I’m trying to look after myself a little better overall. I saw a human reading a book called ‘you are what you eat’ and that phrase really stuck with me.
“If I am what I eat, then I’m garbage, a flying rubbish bin, the footwell in the back seat of a family sedan, in bird form”.
As part of this new healthy lifestyle, the bird will also exercise by flying around more often, instead of perching on a wall screaming all day.
“I have to get my flaps every day,” he screeched at us.
“No more loitering around looking for sandwiches to steal, no more circling around menacingly waiting for a child to drop a bag of crisps. I’m going to get up, fly out to Dun Laoighre and back, then out to Howth to fight other gulls to the death for dead fish. After that, pilates”.
UPDATE: The gull has pledged to ‘start their diet tomorrow’ after other birds asked it out for an afternoon of terrorising people into dropping their 99s.