“How ‘Under Oath’ Are We Talking Here,” Asks Trump

EXTRA fire extinguishers are being put in place in a New York courtroom ahead of the testimony of Donald Trump, in case anything bursts into flames when he utters the words ‘I swear to tell the truth’.

Trump is facing numerous charges of fraud and tax evasion, and is expected to rack up perjury charges like pinball scores when he testifies under oath as proceedings continue in a separate case to the one he was arrested and charged for last week.

The former US President is said to be calm and confident about his chances in any upcoming trial, although he has reached out to his legal team to clarify just exactly what the definition of ‘under oath’ is, and if there’s any wriggle room here or there for supposed billionaires, celebrities, politicians, or in his case, all three in one.

“What if my hand doesn’t fully touch the bible, like what if I hover over it a little?” Trump asked on Truth Social today, while his millions of followers assured him that this was how a true patriot acts during a fraud investigation.

Elsewhere, Trump’s legal team attempted to convince him that using air quotes doesn’t protect him from anything in a court of law, and that bribing a jury or a judge is a whole separate, extra crime.