Biden Gets Into Heated Row With Distant Cousin Over Family Farm Land


THERE WERE some unfortunate scenes in Ballina this afternoon as a happy homecoming for Joe Biden turned slightly sour due to a run-in with a distant cousin.

Greeting crowds and taking selfies, Biden warmly embraced his cousin John Michael Patrick O’Shea at first but couldn’t resist referencing a long-simmering row over the sale of some farmland, with the US leader remarking on how John could never provide a convincing explanation for why a cheque for the president’s share of the sale never made it Stateside.

“I owned 1/75th of that land, just like all our cousins but oh no, you thought Cousin Yanky Doodle Dandy Joe was a big shot in US politics back in the 1980s and that I shouldn’t get my share of cousin Margaret’s youngest’s eldest’s youngest’s farm, huh?” a visibly irate Biden said as he and John were locked in a neverending firm yet hostile handshake.

Crowds present made their best efforts to appear like they hadn’t noticed the raised voices while mentally logging every utterance ahead of relentless gossiping about the fallout at Sunday mass, as is tradition.

“Water under the bridge Joe surely? And arragh you’re remembering it all wrong. Twas a long time ago, let’s just forget it. I could bring up the drone bombing in the Middle East stuff but I don’t, let sleeping dogs lie, we’re family at the end of the day” said John, offering an olive branch.

The pair were soon back to jovial hugs and all smiles. All smiles that was, until the president noticed the brand new Ben Sherman shirt John was wearing.

“Oh Mr big shot, no recession around here. Cost-of-living, inflation, sure you’d have no clue about that would you, you thieving prick. Great-great-great-grandmother Theresa always said your side of the family was as common as cow shite in a field,” Biden said now ordering his Secret Service agents to take charge of his own arms and hands in order to put John in a headlock.