Irish Jails Now 27% Burkes

THE ongoing legal issues surrounding the Burke family has resulted in over a quarter of all available jail cells in the country being populated by some cousin or another.

Key instigator Enoch Burke has a cell ‘on hold’ in Mountjoy as he continues to needle every judge in the country, while his brother Simeon is currently in custody at Cloverhill Prison because he refuses to leave.

This is on top of sister-in-law Eloisius Burke being remanded in Mountjoy Women’s prison for organising a violent riot outside the Four Courts, while 3rd cousin Elmer Burke is in Long Kesh after being caught trying to smuggle 100kg of rainbow flags out of the country.

Marcus Burke got done for arson after lighting too many candles in his local church, Stone Cold Steve Burke was found making threats to his local Spar because there’s a gay Spar in Dublin.

“We’re going to have to stop locking up Burkes, we need those jail cells for people who don’t pay their TV licences,” sighed one warden we spoke to, who has 40 Burkes in his jail at the minute.

Steps have been made to have Judge Martin Nolan handle all Burke-related cases from now on, to ensure they get suspended sentences and free up a bit of jail space.