Revolut Just Needs Taxpayer-Funded Bailout To Qualify As Real Bank

REVOLUT has launched joint accounts which will allow couples to pool their money and watch it instantly disappear into a cloud of bills, marking the online platform’s next step forward after wishing on a star to become a real live bank.

However to really be considered a real bank in people’s eyes, Revolut must:

– Lose billions through years of risky trading, insider corruption and greed, and then receive a bailout from the government for being ‘too big to fail’, landing the taxpayer with a lifetime of wondering what that extra tax on their paycheque is.

– Change it’s hours of operation from ‘all the time, wherever you are’, to ‘for a few hours every day, and only from a building with four parking spaces outside it.

– A new ‘cubicle’ style login process that won’t allow you to log on if there are too many people on the app already, forcing users to wait for a while and then push a button that allows them access first to a little ‘airlock’ holding page, which they can only leave when someone presses a button, but the person they’re in the airlock with seems to have no idea what to do, they apparently have never pressed a button before in their life, why is this person not pressing the button what is happening do we live here now?

– Did we say bailout? Yeah they’ll probably need another one of those.