MARKING the 1st anniversary of the 8th anniversary since Vladimir Putin began his invasion of Ukraine by annexing Crimea, Waterford Whispers News sat down with the Russian leader to give him his annual performance review:
Look Vladimir, under deliverables and sales targets, we’re going to have to put down ‘fail’.
Don’t get all Sadimir now, you set your own targets for Christ sake. You were the one who said ‘will eradicate Ukraine’ and that didn’t happen, did it?
For time keeping, we’ll say ‘horrendous’? Sorry but if you say you’ll do something in 3 days like ‘conquer Ukraine’ and then we’re here a year later and it’s still not done, that’s a sackable offence.
Communication skills are severely lacking, in your Powerpoint presentation (which was a real bore-fest FYI and comic sans, really?) you said something about ‘ridding Ukraine of Nazis’ but then you’ve bombed hospitals, kidnapped children, had soldiers commit massacres of civilians and rape women.
Let the record show we have noted in your personnel file that you’ve been at ‘0’ all year for ‘it’s been X days since my last war crime’.
Appearance at work – Sonia on reception can fill her lips and cheeks with whatever she wants she’s 20, but you turning up to the office with a big wax candle head on you. What age are you at all getting a face lift? Embarrassing.
Also, market research shows you’re as popular as puppy cancer whereas your direct competitor who you vowed to crush is the most popular girl in school.
Need we point out stealing ‘company funds’ is a big no-no. Yes, we’re accusing you, how else can you explain a ‘personal’ fortune of billions on a salary of €100,000? Not to mention that office biro we literally just saw you pocket.
You can object all you want but this is all going in the performance review. Often exceeds the maximum number of vacation days – yes. Yes, records show you’ve spent the year on a holiday from reality.
You’ve rated yourself a 10 for ‘financial prudence’ but sanctions have cost $300bn from the US alone?
Not to mention you’ve ruined the letter ‘Z’ for everyone.
Under ‘temperament’ you’ve put ‘chill as fuck’ but you erupt into anger over the most minor things such as ‘Ukraine existing as a sovereign nation’.
Attitude; finds it hard to take ownership of mistakes, like the estimated 100,000 Russian casualties, and no we won’t put ‘helped increase profits at Russian funeral homes’ in your file.
Under ‘where do you see yourself in five years’, you haven’t written ‘dead’ so we’ve no choice but to extend your probation, and no we don’t want to have some lovely tea by that open window over there thanks very much.