FRESH concerns have been raised by Balmoral doctors over the Queen of England’s health today, causing uproar among Royal family members both living and dead, including:
– Former Princess of Wales Diana Spencer who is said to be waiting at the gates of heaven to ‘have a quick word’ with Queen Elizabeth about something, with sources stating that the long-dead princess is holding something behind her back that looks a lot like a homemade cudgel of sorts.
– Prince Charles is currently in isolation while he prepares himself to look convincingly sad for the next few weeks, despite having prayed for his chance to finally be king for decades now.
– Former royal family member Meghan Markle is bracing herself for accusations as to how the 96-year-old queen’s ill health is all her fault, somehow.
– The Duke of York is fretting about how many more cases of sexual impropriety may be coming his way over the next number of years, and if his soon-to-be-king brother Charles is as loose with the purse strings when it comes to pay-offs and bailouts as his mum was.
– Prince Phillip is said to be ‘riding all around him’ in the afterlife while he still has a chance before his wife joins him.
Outside of the royals, the nation of Great Britain is steeling themselves for a month of perpetual woe, where anyone not displaying public grief at all times will be shot on sight, while Sinn Féin politicians are practising their best ‘whatever you say, don’t say it with a smirk’ faces.