Thousands Of Perishers In Work Expected To Die This Winter


THAT work colleague who always complains of the cold could finally die this Winter due to new measures aimed to boost energy security and the supply situation, WWN has learned.

“Yes, Annabelle in work may finally freeze to death after years of her moaning, but at least the data centres will still operate and we can all still scroll on our phones 7 hours a day,” a government spokesperson said, outlining the pros and cons of their latest motion to shut off heating one to two hours before the closing time of public sector buildings.

Latest CSO figures indicate that there is at least one perisher in each of the 290k businesses across the country and believe over half of them will succumb to the cold.

“Obviously their deaths will be an awful tragedy, but it does open up some desperately needed accommodation across Ireland,” the spokesperson said proudly, referring to one of the many ongoing crises crippling the nation, including housing, health, energy, cost of living, refugee and government crisis, the latter of which has been ongoing since Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil have been in power.

Perishers in Ireland have long been the bone of contention in the workplace due to their closed-door policies and constant pleas to turn up the air conditioning, leaving their majority non-perisher work mates too warm and sick to death of their “it’s freezing” remarks.

“If it means I never have to hear Eileen whinging over the shop door being open then fuck it, I’d gladly leave the heating off all day,” one local retail owner concluded.