Rees Mogg Sends Orphans Down The Coal Mines In 1st Act As Energy Minister
A STANDOUT addition to the first cabinet of newly installed British PM Liz Truss, Jacob Rees Mogg wasted no time in making his mark as Secretary for Energy.
“These enterprising and industrious young men now how a purpose in life. Were once there was a burden on society now stands a fitful squadron of mini-miners, they are a tremendous and coal-covered cog in the Great British machine,” said Mogg as he dropped orphans, one by one down a newly reopened mine shaft.
Previously delighting in his ignorance when it comes to climate change, Mogg, whose investment firm has stakes in fossil fuel companies, stated it was long overdue that the energy brief went to someone with his intellect and clear-eyed reason.
“You must understand, it’s pure biological truth – the orphan is a squalid little chap of ragged bone. This slight frame enables the orphan to get the hard to reach coal. It gives their life meaning where before there as only a burden to the state, what joy and pride this would have brought their perished parents”.
“For budget reasons we will not be installing canaries in the mines and credit to the children we haven’t heard a peep of complaint from them since we first dispatched them down there a week ago… oh, wait now I’ve said it out loud that’s not good,” Mogg said before instructing more orphans to retrieve the coal orphans.
Other measures Mogg is considering as part of his energy brief include:
Retrofitting homes with asbestos insulation.
Make all rail steam powered again.
Bringing back ‘smog cough’.
Abolition of all laws permitting strikes.
Using hand grenades to clear fields and cultivate soil.