Will This Weekend Finally Be The Weekend Alan Tackles The Shed? We Investigate


HAVING initially told his partner he would ‘get on it’ some 18 months ago, local man Alan Sheehan’s shed remains a cramped space overstuffed with a heap of shite earmarked for the dump.

However, with his partner and child away visiting relatives and his weekend wide open, are these the perfect circumstances from which Alan can finally make good on his promise to clear out the shed? We investigate.

Friday: beside himself with excitement at the fact he has the whole house to himself Alan surveys the empty rooms while grinning ear to ear.

Credit where credit is due, after ordering take away for dinner (with cash, covering his tracks after claiming he was on anew health kick as of Monday last) Alan made his way out to the shed to visually appraise the absolutely state of it. Nodding to acknowledge his lazy ways, Alan was now fully aware of what the task looked like. A task that Alan was definitely going to tackle. Tomorrow.

Saturday: Alan could have sworn he set his alarm for 10am. How in the sweet divine fuck is it 12.45pm? He’ll get right on the shed once he has a bit breakfast in him.

WhatsApp chatter from the lads confirms United are the early kick off on TV. Ending roughly at 2.15pm, Alan is left with ample time to clear out the shed, divide up the contents into ‘keep’ and ‘bin’ and do a dump run.

Alan will tell himself that 2.15pm is no time to starting a big clear and will opt to wait until 3pm which a nice, clean time.

Alan wakes up on the couch for an afternoon nap at 4.13pm – again, no time to start a clear out. It’ll have to wait til 5pm.

5pm has arrived, which Alan reasons leaves him only close to 4 hours of light left, barely any time to be clearing out a shed. And besides there’s no sense in clearing out the shed when the dump is closed. This sounds very much like a Sunday task at this stage.

Alan dedicates himself to scrolling the home menu of a number of streaming services for several hours without landing on anything to actually watch.

Sunday: After looking up the nearest dump on his phone and finding out it is in fact open on a Sunday, Alan devotes 90 minutes looking up other dumps until he finds one that is closed on Sundays. Brilliant, plausible deniability.