A Dozen Clarks Staff Required To Pin Down & Fit 4-Year-Old With First Pair Of School Shoes


A GROUP of ex-Mossad agents and former US Navy Seals faced their toughest test yet when starting their new job at Clarks shoe shop at the height of the back to school rush.

Thousands of stressed parents trying to get a last minute purchase of school shoes have descended on outlets nationwide in recent days, each bringing a spindly-limbed hornets nest of a junior infant with them.

“You can’t make me go back in there,” pleaded one ex-Navy Seal, who left active service for a safer life but hadn’t anticipated the wriggling rage contained within a 4-year-old’s defiant limbs as they refuse to place their feet in the shoe size measuring contraption.

Calling for back up and contemplating a drone strike to settle one child down, the ex military tools of death struggled to get ‘little angel’ Jack Conley to settle as he bit, spat and eye gouged his way through Clarks, refusing every shoe.

“We’ve told him he’ll be the coolest kids in class, that he looks so grown up, that he’ll be just like his big brother Liam, but this kid won’t break, the FBI have easier time trying to arrest Daniel Kinahan,” said one Clarks staff member nursing a dislocated collar bone.

Experts have speculated that requiring dozens of extra staff, at great additional expense, to be on the shop floor to tackle and put manners on little tantrum-tornados could certainly explain why back to school basics are ‘so fucking expensive’ these days.