“It Breaks Our Hearts To Pay Out Record Shareholder Dividends” Say Oil Executives


WITH Shell paying out $6.5bn to shareholders after a record quarterly profit of $10bn, top fossil fuel executives have spoken about how heartbreaking it is to sign off on these dividends even though many of them have shares in the companies themselves, WWN can reveal.

“It’s a shame this inflation stuff is hitting everyone so hard which is why it was particularly heartbreaking for us to personally enrich ourselves after securing record profits,” shared one energy firm exec, wiping away his tears of anguish with gold bars.

“If only there was an alternative to accepting these dividends derived from artificially jacking up the prices of fuel for profit but sadly there isn’t, so we must bathe in our billions but inside it’s sad face emoji central, population me,” added another exec.

With inflation hitting countries everywhere and the UK experiencing a 40-year high, fuel execs pleaded with the public not to be cynical and just presume the fossil fuel industry is enjoying this.

“You think freezing in your home this winter because you can’t afford the high energy bills is though? Try being me – there’s not enough room on my phone’s screen to list off all the zeroes in my bank balance when I log into my banking app, and do you think anyone is fighting my corner over this or demanding I’m helped? No, I’m alone in all this,” added one senior oil industry veteran.