How Ireland Is Celebrating The Queen’s Jubilee

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SOME incorrectly look across the water at the Queen’s platinum jubilee celebrations and see it has a damning indictment of mental health services in the UK but truthfully, lighting up Stonehenge with portraits of the British monarch is incredibly normal and not something that would make the North Koreans blush.

Ireland, a country with a deep affection for the British royal family, is also marking the occasion in a number of ways:

1) In a ceremony which will see children adorably ‘keep Lizzie warm’ in her old age, portraits of the Queen will be placed on fires around the country.

2) Recalling the generous spirit of Queen Elizabeth, Irish people are donating to the needy with a record number of Irish history books being donated to English schools.

3) A number of ancient ceremonies will be performed in a bid to make sure it rains this coming weekend.

4) Build Your Own Monarchy – one of the more fun events will see Irish people celebrate Lizzie by nominating their own ‘royal family’ in towns and villages. The rules are simple; find the most inbred person in your town, give them all the town’s land for free and say ‘thank you’ when they treat you with utter contempt.

5) In the UK, Boris Johnson is trying to bring back imperial measurements to mark the platinum jubilee. Here in Ireland, people can enter a competition with a prize for the person who correctly guesses how many miles the UK has left to run before it disintegrates.

6) Musical tributes include over 15,000 Irish artists covering the Sex Pistols ‘Good Save The Queen’. At the same time. With all speakers pointed in the direction of Buckingham Palace.

7) Phoning in a bomb scare for old time’s sake.

8) Fun pub quizzes will be taking place in Irish pubs here and abroad. Top tip: during the ‘guess the royal’ picture round if you just guess ‘pedo’ on every photo you’ll get a good few points.

9) Ireland’s Google Doodle for the weekend will rotate between ‘Kenyan concentration camps’, ‘that time the Queen was caught using offshore tax havens’, ‘how much is being spent on the Jubilee which could have gone to feeding the poor’ and ‘celebrate the woman who used £12mn of British taxpayers’ money to pay off her son’s accuser’.

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