RESPECTED psychologist, author, podcaster, Twitter meltdowner and lobster botherer Jordan Peterson has received wide spread support for stating that it is he and he alone that should decide what cover models appear on Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, which is still a thing apparently.
Drawing on the work of his best selling 12 Simple Rules For Life, Peterson after eating 3kgs of red meat, sat down and furiously typed out his rules for SI cover models:
1) The least Hellenic shoulders I’ve ever seen! Who ends up on the swimsuit edition is highly symbolic, an indicator of where we are as a society, we can derive meaning from it. They must not be ‘fat’. What is fat but flesh and what is flesh but distraction, and what is distraction but a move away from doing something meaningful in your life, like taking to Twitter and live-tweeting your attempt at a self-administered lobotomy.
2) There is a natural order to the world, therefore I demand no model should be able to out lift me, an alpha male who is not becoming hysterical.
3) Wait, the woman is now shaped like a benzo, this is a disturbing and authoritarian development, and the only recent authoritarian development of note relating to women that comes to mind which has occurred in America and is worthy of comment.
4) The model must be draped across a 1963 Cadillac Eldorado, harkening back to the good old days when men were men, and mother would still give me her milk.
5) Lobsters and humans share a common ancestor, and what do we know about lobster evolution and societal hierarchy? That’s right, lobsters only have emaciated Scandinavian goddesses on their magazine covers.
6) If you’re struggling to keep up with me, I suggest try not sleeping for a week.
7) Is it normal to cry when tweeting? Sorry I seem to have gone off track, ah yes, the full-figured woman will be the downfall of society. Oh God, don’t look directly at her. Eve had the good grace to eat but one apple, this woman has devoured the orchard, what unholy punishment will she meet at God’s hand?
9) She stole my 8th rule! This is how it starts! How disastrously unclean her room must be.
10) ‘Illustrated’? This cover is clearly a photograph, not a drawing and where are the sports? Do words not have any meaning anymore?
11) After much consideration I humbly suggest that I take up the mantel of being the cover model to bring an end to this unsavory episode until everyone learns to take my unhealthy preoccupation but this woman as the well meaning jape it clearly is.
12) Please love me.
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