Green Party Pledge To Release Turf Scent Into Air So Countryside Still Has That Nice Smell
GREEN Party leader Eamon Ryan has assured the nation that the forthcoming ban on smoky fuels will not rob the countryside of the precious smell of a turf fire wafting over the hills as one enjoys a ramble through the heartland of this fine nation.
“To anyone in rural Ireland who is concerned about how the ban on turf might affect them, I say chillax the kaks,” insisted Ryan, speaking from Dublin, a city that gets by perfectly fine without turf, adding, “We’re going to be infusing turf-scented misting devices around the midlands, which will give off that smoky, peaty smell of a burning turf but with none of the pollution or, you know, 1,300 deaths every year”.
While representatives of commercial turf producers continued to not just get with the fucking program, the Minister for the Environment was pressed on who would be responsible for rolling out the infrastructure needed to keep Ireland smelling like Peig Sayer’s shawl.
“Much like our wind turbine roll out, we’ll be granting whatever contractor puts in the highest, most inefficient bid while giving them a regular revenue stream over the next 10 years to whatever offshore subsidiary they choose, before eventually buying it off them for a ridiculous sum of money once it’s totally obsolete,” Ryan confirmed, pointing off into the distance to distract us, before then running away.