Jesus’ Top Five Red Wines For Under 20 Quid


IN THIS guest feature we ask wine connoisseur and son of the almighty God, Jesus Christ, to pick his top five wines for under €20.

Hi guys, JC here. Delighted to have been asked to do this as I absolutely love wine and being paid large amounts of cash by brands to introduce you to my top 5 choices.

As someone who has been regularly turning water into wine for the past 2,022 years, I really know my grapes and have developed quite the pallet and cirrhosis of the liver (don’t worry I can heal myself lol).

Mission Sud

Sure, it may sound like a dishwasher tablet, but this little belter will really wet your whistle with its subtle chocolate flavours, but man is it easy to drink. I’d easily neck two or three bottles of these over a nice supper. But beware, one of my friends did end up kissing me after a binge one night. Dad was super pissed when he found out, but look, it’s not bad for €10.99. Perfect accompaniment with bread and some water.

Las Moras Dada Bonarda

The first word out of my mouth was actually Dada, and I don’t mean the big man, or that other waster, Joseph (he’s not my real dad btw), I love this wine and it can be found just about anywhere. Perfect for when you’re in the desert for 40 days with its intense red colour and a medium body. Beware though, two or three bottles of this stuff and you’ll end up talking with the devil, whose not that bad when you get to know him.

Cecilia Beretta – Soraie Veneto

Coming in around €15, this little belter has will give you that buzz you need at the end of the day when beer just isn’t enough to make you cry laugh your fears away. Obviously coming in a little dearer, I’d suggest keeping the whole bottle to yourself. If missy wants a little glass, hand her a cheaper bottle. This is a self-indulgent, late night, binge-watching Below Deck Mediterranean, pissing on the toilet seat type of wine. NSFWTND: Not safe for work the next day. I vaguely remember attacking a load of bankers one day after a feed of this. Morto I was the next day when I went for a loan for a new donkey. Eek!

Faustino I Gran Reserva Red

To be honest I just love the bottle itself. It’s so vintage looking, like we used to guzzle down the back lanes of Nazareth back in the day. I found this wine also great in lamb of God curry. It’s deep and complex with leather, spice notes and the mature forest floor fruits from lengthy aging in oak casks really shines through the next morning when you look down and see your stool is as black as the ace of spades.

Menage a Trois Folie

Not one to refuse a little menage a trois myself (you know who you are… Mary… no, mom, not you… the other… ah, never mind), this cracker comes in at 20 bucks even. I literally inhale this stuff, it’s that good. As far as medium range wines go, this will leave you gagging for more and will burst the blood vessels right off your nose. Perfect with everything really; bread, water, more wine, fucking dogshit would taste good with this stuff. Seriously, lob it into your gob. Hook it to your veins. Ingest the bottle anally if you must. Get on it like Judas in a noose. Wup wup!