Netflix Invests €4bn To Develop New Pandemic As Subscribers Plummet


STRUGGLING to retain subscribers after a bumper harvest during lockdowns worldwide, streaming giant Netflix has announced it is to research and develop a new virus in a bid to get everyone back in the house again watching overly drawn-out docuseries in their underwear munching crisps, WWN reports.

Shares in Netflix fell by a quarter this week after the company released its Q1 report depicting shrinking subscribers, citing the suspension of its service in Russia as a contributing factor, along with Carlow Netflix subscriber David Moran sharing his account details with dozens of friends and family members.

“We’re going to cut down on people like Mr Moran sharing their account passwords and also develop another virus that will hopefully keep people locked down in their homes indefinitely,” a company statement read today, before outlining the world’s first multinational companies war, “we’re also going to launch airstrikes against our competitors Apple and Disney and destroy their data centres across the world, so we should start seeing people flock back to Netflix once our bombing mission is complete”.

The drastic new measures were met with some criticism from several world leaders but were accepted all the same.

“Seems a bit drastic to develop a new lethal virus which could potentially kill millions of people worldwide, but I get what they’re trying to do; keep people in jobs and entertain their subscribers and that’s admirable,” British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said of the news, concluding, “if they produce another Tiger King style series then I’m all up for it”.