Coping With Fake Tan Withdrawal Symptoms, A Guide

THE EU, ever meddlesome, has banned some ‘dark fan tan’ products for containing in excess of 10% Dihydroxyacetone (a chemical that can cause health problems if inhaled or ingested through aerosols) leading to many Irish women’s favourite tanning products disappearing from the shelves.

Being without your trusted brand of tan can be a nightmare scenario and can cause serious withdrawals with leading tanning specialists providing WWN with essential information on how to combat them:

Don’t panic

What you’re seeing in the mirror is something called your ‘reflection’. That ghostly figure is you. And that outer shell encasing your bones is caused ‘your natural skin colour and complexion’.

Time to abandon that bullshit ‘oh thanks, I think I’ve Persian or Egyptian going back a few generations’ story when complimented on your tan

Having to say ‘yes, my parents are a pint of milk and a Victorian ghost’ isn’t as fun or ‘exotic’ but at least it’s the truth.

Move abroad

Greek or Spanish weather not going to give you that dark tanned look you desire? We’ve heard the surface of the sun is lovely this time of the year.

Moving not an option?

Never leave the house again.

Never receive visitors during day time, and only entertain them in your house in total darkness. They must never know your true form.

Elsewhere, a significant increase in reports to gardaí of sightings of ‘unidentified translucent looking humans’ roaming the streets is believed to be very much connected with the new EU regulations banning certain products.