Zuckerberg Retreats To Metaverse Amid $230bn Stock Plunge


SENIOR executives at Facebook parent company Meta have expressed their worry after struggling to contact and track down CEO Mark Zuckerberg after Meta lost $230bn in value yesterday.

“Mark! Mark! Are you in here?” one exasperated Meta executive screamed in full VR head gear, believing a rudderless Zuckerberg has retreated, indefinitely, to the Metaverse as his company takes yet another battering and is the subject of derisive media coverage.

“I’ve checked those dumb yoga rooms in the Metaverse, every cringy meeting, every awkward conversation with the pathetic losers using this tech but I still can’t find Mark,” confirmed one grisled PI hired by Meta executive to find they’re embattled CEO.

“Mark, please, if you’re in here, just let us know. Honestly, it’s not that bad, plenty of people have seen their companies used a way to foster extremism, aide genocide in Myanmar, say ‘we’re pivoting to video’ a dozen times and still come out the other side. All is not lost,” another panicked CEO said as they awkwardly walked into a wall while wearing a VR headset.

The $230bn loss also means a $30bn dent in Zuckerberg’s fortune as Facebook continues to lose ground to rival TikTok.

“We’ve blatantly copied they’re entire platform and tried to incorporate that into Instagram and that hasn’t worked. We’re all out of ideas,” confirmed Meta’s head of innovation.

UPDATE: In the last few moments Metaverse users have reported hearing a booming, God-like omnipotent voice in their VR headsets sobbing ‘Mark’s home now, no one can hurt me or do mean memes of me here’.