Majority Of Leaving Certs Want To Do Exams At Home On The Couch Drinking Cans, Doing Bumps

A STAGGERING 98% of Leaving Cert students want to see a hybrid model for exams whereby they get to stay home on the couch skulling cans of cheap beer and doing bumps of cocaine while watching reruns of Spongbob or some shit, ‘whatever’s doable’, a survey carried out by the Irish Second-Level Students’ Union has found.

The survey found most students would also like to be allowed use Google during their exams and wondered if a 50% discount for Just Eat would be on the cards.

“Fuck it, a premium Pornhub subscription too,” replied several thousand students to a series of unrelated questions, while some called for ‘7 grams of Cali weed’.

In a statement, ISSU President, Emer Neville said: “Most of the answers we got were not applicable to the current situation, but the general gist is students would like to see a hybrid model implemented for the State Examinations 2022 where they can choose to receive an accredited grade in each subject”.

Responding to the calls, Substitute Minister for Education Norma Foley insisted the normal Leaving Certificate will go ahead without the accredited option, but promised students that she would advise exam supervisors to open the school windows a bit more for them if they’re worried about Covid.

“Guaranteed it will be roasting during the exams, so I have no problem with removing the windows altogether if needed,” Foley replied, before disappearing back under whatever rock she currently resides under.