What The Teenagers On The Green Are Really Up To, According To Your Mam


ACCORDING to your mother they’ve been there for hours, there has to be at least 500 of them, doesn’t recognise any of them and where are their parents at all at all. Casting aside her initial panic, your mother is now ready to share her theories as to why a group of teenagers would have any interest in congregating in public on a nice day.

In this exclusive interview, from the spot in the kitchen which gives her the best view of the ruffians, your mother is in a prime location to speculate:

– Playing some TikTok challenge she heard about on Joe Duffy called ‘shooty stabby’ whereby teenagers stab and shoot themselves for ‘likes’ on the internetting machine.

– “Dealing drugs, sure why else would they be out there laughing like hyenas”.

– “Funneling funds to the Taliban, there’s no other logical explanation for it”.

– Ruining the lovely grass by playing football, carrying out seances under the cover of darkness trying to bring the ghost of Hitler back to earth.

– Redrafting the constitution to make it mandatory for everyone to do nitrous oxide.

– Some sort of pact or dare which involves all of them losing their virginity in the bushes off to the side. She is heading to the upstairs bedroom to get a proper look.

– “And this isn’t anything to do with where they’re from or anything so you can stop yourself before you go all UN Refugee Council on me”.

– “They’re all wearing Canada Goose and that can only mean one thing – they’re in a gang. I was laughed at when I said this place would turn into south central LA after the social housing was built 50km away 30 years ago, but who’s laughing now?”