Johnson Under Increasing Pressure To… Actually No, He Doesn’t Give A Fuck


THERE WAS a momentary sense that British prime minister Boris Johnson would capitulate and bow to pressure over the current sleaze scandal until everyone realised no, wait, this is Boris Johnson we’re talking about, WWN can reveal.

“Yeah I honestly can’t believe we thought a serial liar, adulterer and dabbler in xenophobia would suddenly surrender himself to accountability, haha, we’re thicker than the shit being poured into our waterways,” remarked British media outlets.

“The man hid in a fridge to escape questions from the media and people thought he’d face up to the latest contemptible behaviour of his party, really? Boris Johnson, susceptible to shame? The same man won’t admit to the number of kids he has? Same guy?” confirmed those who have managed to retain their grasp on reality while a barely sentient cabbage runs the country.

There are fears that the anger felt by the British public towards the Tory government’s corruption, which extends to offering peerages to people who donate £3mn to the party, could result in similar punishments handed down to Johnson in the past included winning an 80 seat majority in a general election.

“There’s only so many ways we can phrase ‘he wouldn’t piss on you plebs if you were on fire’ and you’re still not getting it,” added reality dwellers.

Elsewhere, Tory MPs defending having second jobs and lucrative consultancy gigs which may or may not directly influence who they lobby for in parliament have said ‘there has been a rush to judgement of people corruptly making themselves rich at the expense of the public’.