Britain Proud Of Never Having Committed Single War Crime


THE UNITED Kingdom has once again called for greater punishments for any country that has been found to have committed war crimes, and pleaded with nations around the globe to instead ‘follow their good example’.

“If we can have a completely clean sheet after hundreds upon hundreds of years of being the most dominant but fair empire the world has ever seen, then we don’t see why the rest of you animals can’t do the same” said a spokesperson for the Great British Association For Remembering Things earlier today.

“Countless countries under our rule without us stepping out of line even once, and loads of wars fought fairly and squarely without committing one atrocity or human rights violation. A few times we had to get jolly rough with folk, sure, but looking back at India or Northern Ireland or Afghanistan or Africa or Dresden, I think we can all agree that it was in good spirit and the people on the receiving end took their licks with good humour”.

When asked if perhaps this was a case of selective amnesia in a bid to maintain some sort of national pride despite knowing deep down that what was being said was untrue and that the nation they loved was in fact built on a foundation of bones, the spokesperson was quick to reply.

“Nah,” they told us, before wrapping things up early so they could give us a tour of the British History Museum so we could see all the nice things countries had donated to them over the years.