How To Comfort A Friend Who Has Just Been Dumped, A Guide


NEVER are friends more needed or treasured than in times of personal crisis, none more heavy than an unceremonious dumping.

Here’s all you need to know about being the friend your friend needs:

Let them speak

It’s an emotional – a break up. You’re there to be a shoulder to lean on, a friendly ear. NOTE: this part can take up 20 hours and is really fucking annoying.

“They’ll regret it”

Remind your friend that all the sex their ex partner is probably off having now, while amazing, is ultimately quite empty feeling and gets boring after the 50th or 60th earth shattering orgasm.

“I always said you were too good for them”

This line is to be deployed in the event of being either true or completely untrue. If your friend looked like a swamp monster next to their ex, it doesn’t matter. The time to engage in a charade none of you believe in but gives the confidence a bit of a boost is now.

Begin looking up new partners

What selection of men or women can your friend look forward to being rejected by now that they’re single? Scan the Insta, the dating apps and the phone book – the possibilities are endless.


It’s an emotional time, but what use are words right now? Keep an eye out in gaps of the crying and ranting for a clear path to their mouths. Now deftly shove chocolate in their mouth hole.