Devastated Workers Pour Champagne As ‘Full Return To Offices Not Possible Until Spring’


IN RESPONSE to Tánaiste Leo Varadkar suggesting a full scale unencumbered return to offices for all workers before sometime in the spring of 2022 would not be possible devastated workers have reached for their nearest bottle of Moet.

“Oh no, I’ll be robbed of Sharon in accounts stinking the staff kitchen out with her tuna sandwiches a little bit longer, this is so unfair,” griped one office worker as they popped the champagne and did cartwheels safe in the knowledge that the work from home dress code of tracksuit clad swamp dweller can remain in place.

“Don’t get me wrong I’m as sick of restrictions as the next person but if I don’t have commute 2-hours in to a cramped office for a 3-hour presentation by Scott in marketing that could’ve been an email, fine by me,” added another sullen worker, struggling with the news.

However, not every worker who has yet to make the return to in-office working is happy.

“When will this tyranny end,” shared another champagne sipping home worker, who actually gets up early each morning to sit in their car for an hour and just scream in a vain attempt to recreate the magic of rush hour.

“I’ve a brand new desk bought just especially. Watch yourself there,” urged another work from home merchant as they threw a bottle of champagne attached to a rope against the desk like they were marking the maiden voyage of a new ship.

Elsewhere, workers who have made the return to the office are politely reminded that absolutely no one is buying their ‘great to be back in the office’ bullshit they’re posting on LinkedIn.