Marty Whelan’s Guide To Shagging

IRELAND’S foremost shagger, Marty Whelan talks WWN’s readers through everything you need to know when picking out your next shag carpet:

“There’s no pleasure like it, for me it’s shag, shag, shag. You name the room I’d recommend a shag in it. Sitting room, kitchen, study, dining room, that other room no one really has a name for? Shag in every one of them I say.

I’m not one to judge on colour or shape, that’s not Marty’s bag baby, whatever you’re into, you are into. But you do need to know the basics:

Soft to touch, it’s never too much.

You want a repeat shag, one you come back to again and again. So no disrespect to the Swedes of the flat pack variety but you need to spend big on a top shag of the highest order.

Depth

Shallow shags might satisfy in the short term but the thicker the better and you want to lose yourself when lie on down on one.

Bury your face it in

Does it feel like your nestling into the breast of Mother, the Creator? Well then, this might just be the shag of your life! Take it home with you and never let it out of your sight!”