Dept Of Health Throw In 5 Last Minute Indoor Dining Rules To Keep Restaurants Guessing


IN A bid to keep restaurateurs ‘on their feet’ the Department of Health issued last minute updates to indoor dining measures at around midnight last night in a sure sign this has all been well thought out and planned in advance with no impending chaos.

And as businesses cater for their first indoor lunch settings since last year, the Department has thrown five more additional ‘oh we forget to mentions’ into the mix, as if the reopening wasn’t stressful and rudderless as is.

“The Covid Cert can only be scanned in using an old Nintendo Wii controller,” confirmed one HSE official, beside themselves with satisfaction at how well informed and up to date they’ve kept pub, cafe and restaurant owners.

“Also we fired out that thing at midnight last night about not needing to take the contact details of everyone at a table, but we’d like to add that patrons will be asked to list their favourite member of both Boyzone and Westlife before a meal can proceed,” added the HSE official, which contradicts what some business have said, who were told they must ask patrons whose side they took in the Saipan debacle of 2002.

“Thirdly, customers must place corks up their holes while eating indoors as we can’t risk flatulence spreading the Delta variant indoors,” the source said, consulting the latest science on the matter.

“A table indoors can include a maximum of six adults and nine children, but if one of the kids is freakishly tall or a sturdy unit with legs like tree trunks restaurants will probably have to count them as adults, but they can still eat off the kids menu”.

The final update in dining rules mandates that all anti-vaccine protesters frothing at the mouth screaming about how they should be allowed indoor dine must, by law, livestream all harassment of staff on Facebook.