BREAKING: Attractive Rich People Riding Again


NEWS SITES and Instagram gossip accounts have been driven to the verge of orgasmic climax over the news that two attractive rich people are once again having sex with one another.

Pushing various news stories about climate devastation, famine, vaccine inequality and war from the front pages, leading publications have confirmed that Jennifer Lopez, a rich beyond your wildest dreams singer and actress has renewed her sex-having relationship with Ben Affleck, a rich beyond your wildest dreams actor and director.

“Their genitalia probably hasn’t aged a day since they were last together, they’re ageless,” led one Mail Online editorial, which read more like the deranged words of an obsessive stalker.

Taking to Instagram to officially confirm that yes, they are residing in downtown Poundtown together, the couple uploaded a picture of themselves kissing.

“578 Things Bennifer’s Body Language Gave Away In New Photo,” confirmed E! News ahead of a special 17th hour documentary charting the Instagram post.

“They’re having sex on a yacht, you have sex in an IKEA bed like a fucking peasant,” added Cosmopolitan.

The renewed interest in the famous pair’s relationship is believed to stem from the fact that you, an average person, look like a pale wheezing mass of rolls of pathetic fat when having sex, whereas, these people are very attractive.

“Just let us watch, please, we won’t make it weird, honest,” the Mail Online begged the couple.