A United Ireland: How You Can Help Unionists Celebrate The 12th Of July


IF YOU’RE really serious about a united Ireland then you’ll have to learn to live with respecting everyone’s unique culture and practices.

Here’s how you can help create a supportive environment for Unionists, and let them know you respect their right to celebrate on the Twelfth and in the process show you’re mature enough to realise a United Ireland shouldn’t just be a punishment beating to the knees of Unionism.

1) Any spare tricolours? Unionists need these to help make their bonfires flammable. Apparently, tricolours are the only accelerent that will work.

2) Learn ‘The Sash My Father Wore’ in Irish. What a beautiful gift and an extending of the hand of friendship that they will never forget.

3) Get really into supporting foreign kings invading landmasses, read up on the Dutch King William III, who invaded England just 5,500 years after man roamed the earth with the dinosaurs.

4) Learn how to march and dance, this is a day of joyous celebration after all. Twerk your appreciation of a cultural festival of happiness and tolerance, if you know any Irish dancing, great, they won’t mind.

5) To show Unionists you’re willing to take on deeply entrenched cultural practices passed down the generations, why not spend weeks collecting pallets and set them alight in densely populated areas and cause damage to houses and put lives at risk.

6) Set up your own Orange Lodge, a fraternal order that is welcoming and tolerant to everyone, bring your Muslim friends, your LGBTQ mates, your friends with science degrees, show 12th of July celebrating Unionists you’re willing to learn and embrace the traditions and practices most sacred to them if it results in a harmonious island.