Tour De France Woman May Also Have Knocked Over Beaker In Wuhan Lab Late 2019, Officials Report


THE spectator responsible for causing a devastating 50-bike pile-up in the Tour De France has been apprehended, with officials adding that she may have been responsible for a lot more than just a few mangled bicycles and a number of grazed cyclists.

“We’re certain you’ve all seen the footage of this, ahem, individual holding out a sign saying hello to her grandparents while gurning for the camera, before a speeding bicycle crashed into her” said one TDF official, while reporting that the as-yet-unnamed woman is being charged with egregious stupidity and 3rd degree attention seeking.

“Well, it turns out that she also matches the description of a western woman who was spotted in a Wuhan biological facility in late 2019, who accidentally knocked over a flask of fuck knows what while holding up a sign reading ‘Hey little brother, stay out of my room while I’m on holidays! LOL JK, tell mum and dad I said hello’. So that is very much a matter of interest for us”.

As well as ruining the Tour De France and potentially causing the Covid-19 outbreak that has devastated humanity as we know it, ‘sign woman’ is also being blamed for:

  • The bombing of Dresden
  • The rise of ISIS
  • Donald Trump’s 2016 election victory
  • Brexit
  • The disappearance of Amelia Earhart
  • Kinder Surprise eggs being so shit these days
  • Adult illiteracy levels
  • The cancellation of Seinfeld
  • The Falklands War

None of these claims are being disputed due to everyone agreeing that someone who would be so careless is capable of pretty much anything.