Tour De France Woman May Also Have Knocked Over Beaker In Wuhan Lab Late 2019, Officials Report
THE spectator responsible for causing a devastating 50-bike pile-up in the Tour De France has been apprehended, with officials adding that she may have been responsible for a lot more than just a few mangled bicycles and a number of grazed cyclists.
“We’re certain you’ve all seen the footage of this, ahem, individual holding out a sign saying hello to her grandparents while gurning for the camera, before a speeding bicycle crashed into her” said one TDF official, while reporting that the as-yet-unnamed woman is being charged with egregious stupidity and 3rd degree attention seeking.
“Well, it turns out that she also matches the description of a western woman who was spotted in a Wuhan biological facility in late 2019, who accidentally knocked over a flask of fuck knows what while holding up a sign reading ‘Hey little brother, stay out of my room while I’m on holidays! LOL JK, tell mum and dad I said hello’. So that is very much a matter of interest for us”.
As well as ruining the Tour De France and potentially causing the Covid-19 outbreak that has devastated humanity as we know it, ‘sign woman’ is also being blamed for:
- The bombing of Dresden
- The rise of ISIS
- Donald Trump’s 2016 election victory
- Brexit
- The disappearance of Amelia Earhart
- Kinder Surprise eggs being so shit these days
- Adult illiteracy levels
- The cancellation of Seinfeld
- The Falklands War
None of these claims are being disputed due to everyone agreeing that someone who would be so careless is capable of pretty much anything.