A SOBERING example of the hardship suffered by the aviation industry thanks to the Covid-19 pandemic, budget airline Ryanair has posted losses totaling €815mn.
The airline, which hopes to return to close to a full offering of flights this summer, is set to implement a number of extra fees and charges in a bid to make up for the huge losses, including:
– Coin operated windows. It will now be five €1 coins for the shutters to lift and offer a one minute view out the window.
– Compulsory Ryanair branded masks must be worn at €30 each.
– Coughing fines of €20 will be handed out to offending passengers, sneezes are €50.
– Each squirt of hand sanitizer is €15.
– There will now be three queues; normal, priority and vaccinated, the latter costing €15 to sit with fellow vaccinated passengers.
– A fee fee. Have you been charge an additional fee? That comes with a €5 processing fee fee.
– Safety demonstrations will now cost €25 per passenger. This will be followed by a safety demonstration quiz to see if you were absolutely not arsed paying attention. Failure fee of €10.
– Oxygen masks and life jackets will also cost extra. In fact passengers will be charged for their breathing in general. The average adult breathes in and out 7 litres per minute. Each litre will now cost 50 cent.
– There will be a special mass-style collection plate passed round on each flight, to help passengers make up for the loss of bonuses for senior management.
– Looking forward to that familiar trumpet sound? Well for just €5 per passenger extra, a man will follow you around the airport blasting it in your ear
– If you slip a member of the cabin staff a tenner, they’ll make sure to only smash your elbow with the cart a maximum of five times.
– One poor sod is going to be charged €815mn for being one kilo over the baggage allowance.
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