SICK of smug work colleagues coming back from undesignated smoke breaks and getting away with it all the time while you sit there adhering to the break rules like a big dope? WWN is on hand on with this handy guide on taking up smoking, or at least, pretending you do.
If you are going to pretend smoke, choosing the right type of cigarette is key to getting away with 20-30 mins downtime a day. We advise purchasing the long 100s option as it requires that extra minute or so per smoke, or if you are going to roll your own, opt for the large skins or stick three normal skins together. Note: large, rolled cigarettes might spark a drugs investigation, but will earn you smoking kudos with your new found smoking friends.
Always cup the smoke with your hand like a pro. Openly holding out your fag between two fingers is a sure sign you are a noob. Shelter that smoke like a freezing child in the rain. You’ve got to respect that smoke better than your hypothermic, freezing purple hand.
Fake inhaling can be tricky as the smoke looks bluer if you just hold it in your mouth and exhale, so exhale that smoke very gently and always try do it when no one is looking. Turn your head the opposite way while exhaling is good, but whatever you do, don’t inhale it while in company as you may cough like a little pussy and get flagged.
Saying things like ‘God, that’s lovely’, ‘I needed that’, ‘these things have me broke’, or ‘I know a Polish lad who sells a box of L&Ms for 40 quid’, will get you by most smoking conversations in work.
Finding the perfect smoking buddy is also a great way of saving money. Smoking other peoples (OPs) fags is key to your survival as a work smoker. Don’t be afraid to push the boundaries by repeatedly asking for free smokes as this will show you’re an authentic smoker. Occasionally ask for a lighter as well, even if you have one of your own, and practice holding on to the other smoker’s lighter indefinitely – skanking lighters is key to your survival.
Beware of other cigarette bums trying to get freebees. Always duck-arse your cigarette so if someone asks for butt, it’s laced in spittle and will stop them from asking you ever again. Female smokers can drench your lips in lip-gloss for the same effect.
While in work, time a dry consistent cough every 20 minutes to let fellow work mates know you’re a smoker. If you play your cards right, you may even get extra sick days off every year due to ‘chest infections’. Everyone in work will understand it’s down to smoking but will still cater for you all the same, regardless of the fact that you’re clearly killing yourself and taking the absolute piss with your mini smoke breaks throughout the year.
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