PSNI Reveal Diffident Republicans Too Shy To Claim Responsibility For Actions

THE PSNI has confirmed that while Loyalist paramilitaries and Republican groups such as the New IRA remain a threat in Northern Ireland, there has been growing concern for shy diffident Republicans.

“Sure, there’s a queue out the door for lads claiming responsibility for scrawling IRA graffiti on a toilet door, but what about the more full on stuff?” confirmed one policing expert. “Republicans should feel comfortable taking credit from all their drug dealing and loan sharking, and any other petty thuggery they seem reluctant to put their name to”.

“We need to give these men the confidence to reveal themselves by name, personally I know if I put in all that effort breaking the legs of someone over a debt I intimidated them into taking on, I’d be adding that to my LinkedIn page like it was akin to a hunger strike,” added the expert.

For far too long modest members of Republican organisations that administer shocking assaults on people have lacked the confidence to admit they have carried out such actions, and now diffident Republican have been urged to take a leaf out of the Loyalist Communities Council’s book and just brazenly advertise themselves in public meetings.

“C’mon, own up and I’m sure people would be keen to write rousing rebel songs about you even in if the Good Friday Agreement was signed 23 fucking years ago, nothing says fighting the British Empire like scraping in a drug turf war,” shared one man, who unlike IRA Zero Sugar was old enough to remember those days.