“Starving Children, Escalating Crime, Destroying Economy,” Johnson Reveals UK Roadmap Out Of Lockdown

AS NATIONS such as Ireland look on enviously at the progress the UK makes with its vaccine programme, PM Boris Johnson has revealed details of the country’s road map out of lockdown.

Johnson, famous for his trustworthy nature and ability to lead without any hiccups, mishaps or law breaking has said that lockdown restrictions in the UK will begin easing in March and be gone by June.

“You won’t believe how quickly the already rich will bounce back,” confirmed Johnson, whose government’s awarding of lucrative Covid-related contracts are under investigation and scrutiny.

Johnson confirmed his government had no intention of prioritising the vaccination of teachers ahead of reopening schools to nearly 7 million children at once as he couldn’t figure out a way for Tory donors to profit from it, but he’s sure it’ll all be fine.

“This is a cautious approach, but we think we’ve cracked slowly returning to your normally impoverished life by June” confirmed Johnson as a study found that homeless deaths in the UK rose by 33% in the space of a year.

“I’d like to give myself universal credit for all this, but you lot may have to get used to having your Universal Credit cut, as someone will have to pay for all this,” added Johnson.

Free from EU red tape, the rejuvenation of the UK economy will prove incredibly easy for those closest donors and friends to the Tory party.

“It’s at this historic juncture in the fight against Covid, you must forget the 120,000 dead and all my catastrophic failures. Now get yourselves down to the pub,” concluded Johnson, as sections of the public voluntarily pulled wool over their own eyes.