Tired Of Sourdough & Banana Bread? Try This Crack Cocaine Recipe


LOCKDOWN 2021 is here to stay, so what’s the project you’re going to take on with this time? Banana bread is so March 2020, and sourdough? What is this, August of last year?

If you really want to pass the time while being the envy of your online audience (as well as making a few spare euro on the side: cha-ching!) then you need to follow the lead of these Waterford people who jumped on the home-cooking train and then some!

“I was stuck in lockdown, bored as hell, and then I realised that I had everything I needed to make myself feel better here in the house” said 23-year-old Aaron Wilson, who took up crack cocaine manufacturing to pass the time after binging Tiger King in one go.

“I had a bag left over from the last time I was out with the lads, I had baking soda, I had a spoon and a lighter- all I did was follow a YouTube tutorial and I was away on a high. In fact, I found I don’t really care about Covid any more. Or anything, for that matter”.

In a similar fashion, 35-year-old housewife Sheila Marron found that the extra time she had on her hands after being let go gave her the opportunity to try something she’s wanted to do for years, namely cook up a batch of her very own Deise-brand crystal meth.

“My first few batches – oh my, did they ever leave me tweaking on the ground like an absolute animal” laughs Marron, who says she has perfected her cooking skills over the last year to ‘almost retail quality’.

“Now don’t forget to take a batch with you when you go, okay? You’re going to love it. It goes so well with a weekend lying in a shed”.

Meanwhile the government has urged people not to turn to drugs during lockdown, adding that their mishandling of the pandemic should be more than enough for anyone who needs to feel intense emotions, heightened paranoia and a crashing comedown.