“Conas Atá Tú Me Bollix” Confirms Mother Who Regrets Sending Kids To Gaelscoil


A COUNTY Waterford mother with no understanding of the Irish language has admitted to now regretting sending her two children to a local Gaelscoil, with ongoing home-schooling during lockdown rendering her a useless, redundant parent.

“Conas atá tú me bollix!” Darina Kent exclaimed, trying to decipher the latest stream of incomprehensible text delivered via a dated school database, “this is all Klingon to me. Could they not speak in English for the couple of months while us eejits help them with their homework; it’s like Stevie Wonder leading Andrea Bocelli here”.

Previously opting for the well-known Irish speaking school for its sterling reputation and nothing to do with the ability to gloat to friends that her children can speak Irish and attend an Irish school, Kent contemplated what it would be like to speak in a language that didn’t put everything backwards in its translation.

“No wonder it’s a dying language, it’s pure shite talk,” she insisted, now turning to her youngest and not holding back her thoughts, “how many years have you left of this in this place, Saoirse, eh? Surely you wouldn’t mind if we transferred you to another school, would ya? Make mammy and daddy happy?”

Now consoling her traumatised daughter, Kent vowed to try harder during home-schooling, promising herself to at least learn some basic Irish to get her through the next few months.

“Is maith liom cáca milis?” she told her children, before deciding to step out for a well deserved smoke, “tá mommy ag dul go dthí on fags”.

Elsewhere, Darina’s husband Paul apologised again for not being able to help out as he’s very busy pretending to work while watching Youtube on his laptop all day.