“Don’t Watch ‘Tenet’, Biggest Load Of Shite,” Warns Local Man


IMPARTING his warning with a serious tone befitting someone alerting people to an impending tsunami hitting a nearby shoreline, local man Dave Clerkin is trying to dissuade as many people as possible from sitting down to watch Christopher Nolan blockbuster ‘Tenet’ which Clerkin has taken to labeling ‘a big heap of absolute bollocks’.

“Biggest load of shite, if you’re thinking of watching it don’t” Clerkin shared with the sort of urgency a hostage negotiator uses when trying to convince a terrorist not to detonate his vest.

The time-bending movie has split critics and viewers alike, but Clerkin remains committed to sparing unsuspecting friends and family from the grisly fate of renting it on Sky Cinema.

“The plot? You’re more likely to understand a strangled seagull speaking Chinese backwards, honestly. It gave me a headache worse than when I was up the front for Metallica at Slane.

“And the dialogue? It was like trying to hear a butterfly’s wing while standing next to a cement mixer,” Clerkin shared as he walked around his estate peering in his neighbours’ windows, making sure they weren’t making the same mistake he did.

“Alan! Fuck sake what did I tell you,” Clerkin said banging on the window of his neighbour as his hand hovered over the purchase button on his remote.

“And I know what you’re thinking Alan, ‘oh Dave’s a bit dim so maybe I could actually make sense of it’. No. Trust me you’d rather catch your testicles in the car door than sit through this”.

Elsewhere, people too proud to admit they didn’t understand the movie have declared it a ‘masterpiece’.